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1. Cheers to you Big Mama Later today you will serve me aspirin and pickled herring Moreover my special anti hangover drill will be waiting for me 12 miles or more on the treadmill Where was Oh yeah just told you how had updated my house to the newest standards for safety and health Fit for Life That also meant that had no access to food after 8 PM The refrigerator the freezer the pantry locked until the morning Well mean understand that it is unhealthy to eat after 8 PM Oh the things we sacrifice for health and well being Like a late dinner or a snack before bedtime may sound like I m whining However was actually very happy at the time Even if that meant tough negotiations with Big Mama a drink from my bar in exchange for two miles on the treadmill and so on You get the general idea Of course there was also the issue with electromagnetic pollution don t have the Slightest idea where Big Mama picked up on that but she changed the electric system of my house to a continuous current was okay with that and my sleep quality actually improved Then again limiting the time for TV phone and cell phone access was just cruel The system calculates the amount of electricity my body absorbs and switches off all electronic devices after crossing a certain threshold At least was able to convince Big Mama not to use the threshold recommended by 5 radical environmentalists but rather the government sta2. a new partner despite the frog effect extra strong condoms tend to jump away if you pull them down too hard and a certain level of stress at the beginning The stress subsided Alice and really had fun Afterward we just lay there collapsed in total sexual exhaustion Alice reached for her handbag and took out cigarettes She lit up and enjoyed the smell That was the only cigarette really missed The cigarette after We shared and tried to blow smoke rings The sprinkler system went off The fire sirens Dammit forgot about the smoke detectors They were set to a much more sensitive level since quit smoking Within seconds we were soaked through the bones 16 Okay my house is big Many other bedrooms available And Alice didn t seem to mind She ran into the bathroom and fetched shower gel Shower after sex She shouted laughingly And we don t even have to leave the bed We used the sprinkler system for showering could switch it off later We were completely covered in foam jumping up and down on the bed like children Suddenly an axe came crashing through the bedroom door Big boots kicked in the rest of the door three firefighters stormed in the fire hose pointed at us It took a while until sorted out the situation and promised to pay for everything In the meantime Alice had retreated to the bathroom strictly ordered Big Mama never to call the fire department again That s what the phone
3. phone booth At that point was drinking two bottles of wine a day That meant a half marathon on the treadmill During that week lost another 8 pounds Now was definitely underweight But it suited me You know that Brad Pitt look unshaven decoratively messed up hair all muscles and bones had to explain to Big Mama that this phone call actually was an emergency A critical shortage in sexual activities might lead to severe health issues After 70 minutes of silent research Big Mama agreed She offered me cybersex which refused politely and pointed her to several websites about loneliness and its effects on health Another 40 minutes later was finally allowed to use the phone Alice remembered me And she didn t hang up How many of my after date calls went like this Hi it s me the guy from the company party You don t remember me drove you home Yes more than 150 miles And yes the seats are clean again Yes l m okay too thanks Hey was just thinking do you want to go out some time Okay understand that you have to wash your hair Well you have my number Ciao lt click gt Stupid bitch Okay usually don t say stupid bitch just think it and might even use other words which am not comfortable repeating Yes she remembered me Yes she wanted to see me Yes we agreed on a date Almost immediately J ust enough time for a quick shower No shaving just a tailored suit and a three day
4. supplies will last a week or maybe two And after that How am supposed to teach Big Mama that the danger is over It would be best if could just enter the server room and simply shut the system down However as said the server room is locked may need to get creative and possibly destructive But first am having another glass of wine Wine my improvised oil lamp actually quite romantic am even reading a book Not electronically One that is printed on paper Really beautiful And totally nonthreatening Well I ll continue writing tomorrow Maybe I ll get an idea in my sleep 22 7th J uly So what Nothing Absolutely nothing My tools proved to be all but useless when tried to break into the server room In the meantime my isolation imprisonment continues anti hangover workout with a mere thousand calories in my stomach not much fun believe me When finally dropped off the treadmill collapsed onto my bed and slept through most of the day My watch tells me that it is shortly before midnight have absolutely no idea if that s right or wrong Not even a hint of daylight gets through my security blinds tried to pry them open but they are built to withstand a bomb blast need to get an idea Quickly so need a cigarette right now I m sure have a stash somewhere for guests Guests Hah will search for them tomorrow After a full bottle of wine on an empty stomach am pretty drunk right
5. was for If necessary would call them myself even used my override codes to silence Big Mama s complaints also ordered the necessary renovation measures not to be started until 12 PM the next day That would mean some extra expenses but just didn t care Alice and went to a guest room and spooned in bed She was wearing pajamas Women in men s pajamas so sexy We decided to be a good girl and boy respectively and even swallowed the anti hangover aspirin Big Mama ordered us to take Alice asked Would you mind if we spend the next night in my place Then we fell asleep While was writing this I ve emptied a second bottle of wine I m pretty drunk right now hope that any of this will be still readable in the morning Now will leave my wine cellar go upstairs take Big Mama s pep talk like a man When she is finished she will serve me more aspirin antacids and pickled herring However will return tomorrow after my penalty laps on the treadmill 17 4 J uly Independence Day Hah Well hello again am back in my wine cellar And admit did some warming up French wine Beaujolais So what My house is still barricaded all lines of communication are dead might as well sit here drink and write down my story Presumably that s how will end Dying of old age in front of my notebook Telling the never ending story At least there is still an unlimited food supply Yes Big Mama really
6. Helmut Barz My Home Is My Castle An IT based Short Story Translated by the author Edited by Kirsten Stammer F ury 2001 2013 by Helmut Barz All rights reserved 1 J uly at least that s what the clock on my laptop says Computers are stupid They do what you tell them to do Though that is not always what you want If ever get out of this mess will have these words engraved above my door In golden letters Three feet high Illuminated day and night should have done that long ago It is not that cannot afford such extravagances Here are some facts about me which you might need to know to understand my Story am 34 years old Single Well at least believe am now Moreover am rich Nothing planned for J ust happened overnight How I got rich isn t really important Oh forgot my name is J oseph J ust in case they need to identify my body after my untimely demise Okay so I m rich Like rolling in gold rich What do you do with that kind of money quit my job bought a house Not just any house An old 19 century mansion All my life had lived in shabby apartments often shared with roommates wanted space got it had the time the money and the resources for creating a home for myself And that s what did have and have always had four vices smoke like good wine love good food and am a sucker for technology had a T 3 Internet connection at a time when this techn
7. ard you just fine Why An increased demand for proteins and electrolytes is to be expected due to the high possibility of sexual relations It is always recommended to supply your body beforehand Ah Okay that was it The night was over was sure of it Just to satisfy my curiosity what was the oyster for The oyster has a reputation for being a very erotic food Its chemistry is supposed to stimulate male hormone levels Sadly we had only oysters available The Bandrilla centipede is thought to be even more effective Thank you That was actually more than wanted to know You re more than welcome you charming horn dog Please stay with your standard language apologize My research must have erased that order Never mind And now please shut up Make me a drink This time with just the standard ingredients 10 Would you be willing to compromise Huh My database has several entries of drinks that are supposed to be stimulating as well as nutritious Big Mama Alice helped out Thanks so much for all your hard work You re most welcome hotty But please use your standard language with me as well Understood Well what do you know about the stimulating effects of women Big Mama went silent again but just for a second Joseph Yes Are you heterosexual homosexual or bisexual Heterosexual of course Boringly straight Another catastrophe on the horizon In that case att
8. ded the speech recognition Now my house was able to understand sentences like am freezing and then adjust the heating and air conditioning accordingly In a hugely unnecessary impulse even installed a second Internet connection purely reserved for my house s purposes This way it became able to update itself regularly on all important health and security issues 3 And that s how my story started 2 4 J uly a day later as far as I can tell Still locked in No way out of my house l Il take that as an opportunity to finish my story Here on my trusty notebook the last free computer in the reigns of Big Mama that s what call my house hope my notebook stays with me until the bitter end Actually I m sitting in my wine cellar Which had not computerized in my new found nostalgia for dustcovered bottles There is no camera down here no smoke detector not even a microphone for speech recognition brought a glass But unfortunately no corkscrew just don t own one anymore At least not one that is operated manually As with everything in my house wine bottle opening is fully automatized It wasn t easy but a few hours ago finally discovered a way to open a bottle without spoiling or breaking it In a forgotten corner down here in the basement found my old toolset So I m using a screw a screwdriver and a pair of pliers to open bottles Like for instance that bottle of Shiraz standing right before me
9. e house don t know why My experiment went wrong the door stayed closed the armchairs caught fire but the sprinklers didn t go off The computer announced a fatal sprinkler malfunction Suddenly that little robot that is supposed to take care of the fireplace in the living room showed up spewing fire accelerant ordered Big Mama to call the fire department but she refused based on my stupid stupid earlier order You remember that right The hardwood floor is burning run to the door it won t budge That emergency program sucks The little robot crawls in wider and wider circles around the burning armchairs still spewing fire accelerant The stairs are burning The old wood catches fire like kindling barely escaped the flames and ran back down here into my basement barricaded the doors sealing them off with my clothes so that won t die from smoke inhalation If the fire gets through the door will have to use wine to put it out Loud noises from upstairs Collapsing walls maybe the stairs coming down windows breaking hope the basement is stable enough so that it won t cave in If the fire gets through I m done Let s just hope that help will arrive on time checked the door It is glowing red with heat but it seems to be holding tried to scream because thought heard voices Maybe the fire department the police wasn t able scream though the air by the door is too hot burning my lungs and 26 d
10. e voice reserved for warnings and orders Not her fault programmed her that way It was one of these voices cops use in American movies when they command suspects to step out of the car so that they can smash their heads onto the hood But why asked The blood alcohol level And please Big Mama use a different voice A little more friendly We have a guest The blood alcohol level of you and the unregistered intruder s breaths is beyond the recommended limit You also shouldn t drive a car right now That didn t sound good Even with the voice of Seven of Nine in a good mood Yes had J eri Ryan come in to record her voice pattern Told you am rich Shall inform the police Why My vocabulary was limited due to alcohol and stress Thank god my unregistered intruder was a little tipsy She sat down in one of my favorite armchairs and started giggling To remove the unregistered intruder of course No don t want you to call the police This is Alice And she s my guest Unregistered guest codename Alice Please stand up and identify yourself by stating your full name Alice obeyed A third voice a sampled version of a famous sportscaster recited her name date of birth address phone numbers other contact information and of course her Social Security number Is this information correct Yes answered the sobered up Alice Do you wish a background check for your guest J oseph A what T
11. itars gongs all played by musicians high on weed Exhausted we collapsed on the sofa Actually we just planned on sitting down but Big Mama had already lowered the backrest Alice took off her shoes We toasted again she with her whiskey with my Prairie Oyster sincerely apologize started I didn t foresee this Neither did Big Mama And she s doing a great job so far 1801 points on the scale of 2000 based on scientific evaluation Now that s what call a compliment Oh by the way Thank you For what This is the most fun evening I ve had in a long time Come on don t add insult to injury Want me to call you a cab What makes you think so Well figured Stop overthinking and kiss me you idiot 13 kissed her We kissed Kiss of the century Moreover no computer warning us of the risks of tongue injury or giving us notice of the fact that 0 03212 of the population was into cannibalism Let s go to the bedroom Alice whispered in my ear And tell the computer what we are up to don t want to be interrupted by the special squad opened my eyes This was not a dream Computer said Yes will retreat to my bedroom with guest codename Alice In there we will have sexual relations We don t need any further stimuli Please rate everything from now on as common human behavior Laughing we made our way to my bedroom door My digital gallery presented high q
12. ndards for ergonomics This way was able to do most of my phone calls from home and watch roughly 90 minutes of television per day After 12 PM needed to run to the next phone booth if had to make an urgent call Sometimes it felt like a nuisance but it also had its advantages One night needed to speak to my brother rather urgently to find out in which Star Trek episode Spock experiences his first mating season put on my running clothes and started jogging in the general direction of the phone booth made my call and thought about returning home However it was one of these very rare beautiful nights in my city usually it rains or it is too hot which leads to the city starting to reek so decided to run a little more and turned my steps into a park And that s where met her Tall long legs short blonde hair and a figure well l Il leave that to your imagination Let s just say her body was able to give a hard on to a saint We jogged next to each other for a couple of minutes and finally worked up the courage and the breath try flirting while running not as easy as it sounds to talk to her She even answered asked her out on a date She said yes SHE SAID YES Well if you don t find that sensational let me tell you that the number of single households in my city has reached an all time high of 45 always had believed that all single men were better looking than I was and that there was usually a good
13. ngerous for me she decided And locked me in mean it is nice that she cares so much about me However at the moment really rather wish she did not She also decided that need some extra protection from environmental influences and refuses to let me use the phone or send an e mail When get out of here if get out of here will have some explaining to do and sincerely hope Alice won t hate me However first things first will order a demolition crew Do you hear that Big Mama don t receive any news from the outside but usually a smog advisory doesn t last that long A day maybe two Moreover I m pretty sure that heard rain last night Therefore the air should be clear But Big Mama won t accept that fact actually asked her if she could check She just answered no She doesn t have any sensors herself and the information on the Internet is not accessible at the moment Not accessible 20 The servers wouldn t respond Presumably they are off line Until Big Mama gets access to new information the lock down will not be lifted begged and begged until Big Mama reluctantly gave me 10 minutes of access to the Internet She was right The servers of the environmental and health agencies were down even found the glitch They changed the IP address and the name server wasn t up to date Sadly found this information on a news site which once referred to as bogus within earshot of Big Mama Since
14. now Good night 23 9 J uly Did really miss a full day Maybe it s just a minute after midnight refuse to look at my watch found the cigarettes They were in a storage closet had forgotten about Guess what else found A plan At least the moving parts of one The storage closet contained several dangerous items Big Mama must have overlooked Let s do some inventory roughly 100 cigarettes a bottle of cheap whiskey which presumably banned from the bar 2 pounds of candies must have bought as the last resort against hypoglycemia More importantly chlorine based bleach What did buy that for think remember wanted to bleach some blue jeans also found industry strength detergent that if remember correctly belonged to an environmentally unsound carpet cleaning machine an old microwave and five bottles of throat disinfectant that contains potassium chlorate Last but not least a jerry can half full with unleaded fuel If remember my school chemistry correctly have everything need for some pretty good explosives drowned two old pairs of jeans with the throat disinfectant remembered that once got a drop on one of my jeans When ironed it the bang almost blew the electric iron out of my hand leaving a hole the size of a two euro coin The jeans will be dry any minute now will put them in the microwave together with the detergent the bleach and the gas will switch the micr
15. o this moment had no idea that Big Mama was capable of such a thing Police records credit history traffic violations outstanding warrants for arrest by local state and federal agencies Of course not How long will guest code name Alice security rating high risk stay on the premises How the hell should know Should prepare a guestroom Thank you that won t be necessary Alice had finally collected herself after bursting into a fit of hysterical laughter So guest codename Alice will not stay the night blushed as did Alice Okay status undefined Do you want to un register guest codename Alice manually when it leaves Yes please Reason of visit What do you want to know that for Routine check On behalf of accounting Alice again proved quick witted This is a meeting for erotic and sexual purposes A so called date Big Mama went silent That will give her food for thought said Alice But can get that drink now My throat is dry from all the laughing Thank God she wasn t planning on leaving yet Just as wanted to repeat my drink orders to Big Mama the hatch of my robot bar opened Two glasses with nametags on them Obviously Big Mama knew how to behave handed Alice her drink and took mine We toasted Suddenly the light went red and the house stereo system started playing a recording of Je t aime Big Mama What is that about was not p
16. ology was usually available only to corporate customers and so expensive that the bills ate up a solid part of my monthly paycheck Now had money for everything My refrigerator my walk in freezer and my pantry were fully stocked A selection of fine cigarette brands in every room Furthermore the shelves in my wine cellar were home to a collection of the finest grape based ambrosia known to man You may have guessed My house is fully computerized All doors open at my vocal command okay at least they should but I ll explain that later 22 flat screens provided me with news computer terminals and gaming consoles in every room the walls covered with LCD displays presenting an ever changing selection of my favorite art my collection of more than 2000 CDs completely digitized and accessible through a special J ukebox system My kitchen a piece of wonder almost completely automated able to prepare a wide selection of my favorite food within the blink of an eye or while my robot bar was mixing me a cocktail A true land of milk and honey Gods we strive to be a god had become And had created myself a paradise Orso thought Of course actions have consequences gained weight Lots of it I ve never been Slim but crossed the 200 pound threshold at 5 8 J ust walking from the bedroom to the living room made my heart race At age 34 went to my doctor who in turn sent me to several specialists including neurologists ca
17. owave to his highest setting put it in front of the server room door use two armchairs from the living room as a shield to direct the blast Let s just hope that the explosion will be strong enough to rip the door apart Or at least it will damage the door so that will be able to finish the job with my tools am writing this in the event that my experiment goes wrong In which case will presumably starve to death won t die from thirst even if have to drink wine until the end of my days Still more than a 1000 bottles left If you go down go down in style 24 All right Tomorrow will dabble in terrorism and explosives It may even attract the attention of the police They might come in with the special squad and save me And if that happens they can record all my future dates with Alice and show the videos at the next precinct party Let s go Or whatever they say in such a situation 25 10 J uly This may or may not be my 35 birthday Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday to me Happy Birthday happy birthday happy birthday to me 11 42 AM About to start Everything is in place The microwave is positioned and shielded off with the armchairs hopefully directing the blast towards the server room door Before start will augment my courage by consuming the cheap whiskey When the bottle is empty will go upstairs and switch on the microwave See you later am on my way The house burns The whol
18. own here in my wine cellar nobody will hear me Well hope that at least this file will stay intact just got hit by little pieces of plastering fear that the ceiling of my basement will collapse any minute now I m soaked with sweat even though am already naked don t think can hold up any longer will now switch off the computer and try to protect it from the flames so that people will be able to read this report Undoubtedly they will think of me as a crazy rich guy who finally burned down his own house on a whim Well guess they are right are they not 27 DR Data Rescue Services Ltd Preliminary Report Subject 1 Notebook P IV 1250 Fire Damage Case Nr 0173 553147255 2 Mainframe XENON 1832 Fire Damage Case Nr 0173 553147256 Computer 1 The notebook was severely damaged but we were able to retrieve the hard disk and 40 of the data stored on it The hard disk mainly contained standard software operating system word processor database software We were not able to restore the databases which seem to have contained mainly private address information The only nonstandard file we were able to restore is a text document a printout of which you will find attached to this report Computer 2 Hardrive largely irrecoverable Possibly compromised by heat and violent impact Minimal data was restored but not to the extend requested The system seems to have had access to the Internet until the very last min
19. point scale you rate 1801 points That makes you more attractive than 93 7518 of your peer group And based on your numbers you think J oseph will find me attractive Cannot evaluate that Of course find her attractive shouted dropped to my knees and spoke to the microphone Guest codename Alice is the woman of my dreams She s beautiful she s smart she s funny we have many things in common So yes she is sufficiently stimulating to me And really sincerely hope that she still finds me attractive 12 despite all of your interventions fear that she will pour her drink over my head and leave any minute now Shall run the bath and prepare a thorough cleaning of your hair Just make me a drink dammit don t care what Then shut up Except for level activities At that point was fighting the tears Presumably that would only lead to a small robot showing up with tissues Ten minutes later a makeup artist would ring my doorbell to clean up my face Alice downed her drink And while you re at it Big Mama Get me another drink too Whiskey Scotch single malt without ice May point out that that much alcohol No Alice and shouted in unison so loudly that the windows started to clatter Big Mama went silent again Two minutes later the bar spilled out two more drinks At that point Je t aime had been replaced by porn movie music from the 70s You know Hammond organ soft gu
20. ractive women are supposed to be extraordinarily stimulating Guest codename Alice are you an attractive woman blushed then went pale Thankfully Alice was as said very quick witted And up to winning this fight What do you think She asked All cameras in the room started moving and focused in on her Evaluation only possible with accuracy of 10 What can do to improve the results Please stand up and find a position in the middle of the room Alice obeyed all cameras focused on her even the mobile MRI unit came rolling into the living room Finally Big Mama announced 11 Evaluation completed 98 7 accuracy Do you want to hear the results If you so please Face symmetry 98 perfect Body size within the norm Figure type 95 perfect Hairdo not the optimum choice males prefer long hair in 76 8 of all cases Thanks for the hint What about my breasts 91 perfection Special features big apple shaped and obviously supported by strong connective tissue How do you figure No external support system also known as bra You wish for more information What else is there Are you a natural blonde Well yes Scan confirms your answer So Blonde people produce up to 135 more pheromones than the average woman does This is supposed to be very stimulating for the male part of your species Why thank you Do you want to hear the summary Yes please On a 2000
21. rdiologists and a psychotherapist They all basically told me the same thing Lose weight stop smoking exercise more Not exactly unexpected So bought some sporting equipment computer controlled of course so that the doctors could confront me with the miserable results of my efforts on a daily basis also updated my house with a fit for life programming A complete program for diet and exercise Big mistake as would find out soon enough Because that is how it all Started though was totally clueless at that time Actually believed that that was the best idea ever had in my life felt good lost weight more than 60 pounds in three months got treadmill and stair master high scores on a daily basis and took up jogging just for fun Wasn t even part of the training schedule bought a bike and actually rode it 20 miles and more per day Before that even took my car for the half mile to get cigarettes and liquor at the store Oh yeah forgot to mention quit smoking Still had cigarettes in my home But just didn t like them anymore After 20 years of two packs a day must have been completely high and tripping out of my mind on exercise adrenaline when made my next decision Everything in my house was updated to fit for life standards All dangerous or potentially toxic materials were removed bought medical equipment an EKG a small computer for blood work and even a mobile MRI machine also upgra
22. reason for single women to be you know single However won t expand on my theories might get sued for discrimination Yet there was Lean sporty had even managed to work up a tan okay admit it own a solarium had been single for four years Didn t have the time Or the courage Women usually didn t notice me Now A few sentences some jokes about dog owners a little race a draw but just because held back and gota date We went out for dinner Japanese Sushi We talked We drank wine We talked some more We went to a cocktail bar We Have you ever experienced a 100 match This woman was mine She liked the same cuisine she even laughed about my turtle joke she was into technology actually she was a software developer for real estate security systems Dear reader What do you expect we did next 6 Of course she wanted to see my house And right away apparently So we drove back to my place It was the second beautiful night of the year so we rolled down the windows and even accepted the slight detour the cab driver took Enter Big Mama The door opened The dimmed light went on The jukebox started playing classical music All of this happened to my command Alice forgot to mention a name but dear reader please say hello to Alice was impressed A drink asked politely Why yes please turned to Big Mama Two Vodka Martinis please Access denied Big Mama used th
23. repared for the situation defined as date and had to retrieve some information According to recent research red light has been proven to be sexually stimulating to 92 7 of the population The music was chosen after thorough analysis of 1833 playlists for erotically stimulating musical material Big Mama was about to say but Alice covered my mouth with her hand and whispered Let her continue I m dying to find out what a computer thinks is erotic Big Mama Yes Joseph Please continue with the current program With pleasure you horny stallion Please resort to your normal level of language With pleasure And please no more interruptions Just for level warnings That meant that the computer would only interrupt us in extreme emergencies and mortal danger Understood Thank you You re welcome Red light cheesy music Time to catch a breath and make the best of the situation Where were we We toasted again we locked arms we drank Well she drank was close to throwing up jerked my head away from her she had already leaned in for the upcoming kiss and spit my drink back into my glass Big Mama what is that A Vodka Martini No it is most definitely not What s in there Well Vodka Vermouth J ust the non standard ingredients please Two raw oysters egg white and electrolytes sodium potassium calcium and magnesium What Two raw oysters he
24. stubble Hey baby I m a wild guy And out of the door was Or so thought The door wouldn t open so ran my head into it Cursing the day decided to switch the old door with a more secure model made out of titanium steel stumbled backward and lost consciousness Good night 19 5th J uly Let s hope the date is correct Can t say anything about the time not even if it s day or night It is dark down here in my wine cellar The last light bulb is gone No replacement nowhere in this damn house can t even take one of my desk lights down here they are all safely mounted into place A candle would be nice maybe even romantic but don t have any At least found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter Down here in my basement can indulge in my vices no security cameras not even a smoke detector This is the seventh day am locked in All exits are blocked the doors refuse to accept my orders and the bullet and fireproof high security blinds are down must ve been paranoid when ordered them This way can t even signal people on the streets I m not even sure though if that would actually help Look Mama that nice guy is waving at us Yes child let s wave back Oh yeah meant to tell you why am locked in Stupid really While was in the shower and before tried to leave the house Big Mama must have checked the outside conditions And there obviously was a smog and ozone warning Too da
25. takes care of me She s worried about me Now isn t that nice Where was Oh yes Alice Want to hear how this story of blossoming love unfolds further Actually don t really care won t be able to hear your complaints anyway will write it down You don t have to read it So we woke up We had breakfast Alice kept me company on the treadmill while Big Mama provided us with the news of the day and a heavy metal soundtrack Obviously Big Mama watches too many action movies Well it could ve been worse She could have switched into drill sergeant mode demanding us to march and sing along heavy backpacks on our back like in those American war movies Secretly expected to be shot at any moment now just to test our reflexes Clint Eastwood blasting from the speakers This is the AK 47 The weapon of choice of our enemies After we had paid for our sins 1080 calories burned Thanks for the update Big Mama Alice gave me her number asked for one week of recovery time and politely said goodbye Did call her What do you think Wrong did One week later To the minute Actually wanted to call two hours early but first had to persuade Big Mama to let me make that phone call Somebody convinced the government to lower the threshold for electromagnetic pollution Since then was only allowed to use the telephone in case of an emergency In a special protection suit 18 Nevertheless would not run to the
26. then she defines any information from that page as unreliable and consequently ignores it Don t have an override for my system You ask and quite righteously so Well do actually However that would mean access to the mainframe just can t get into the server room Big Mama identified the IT equipment as a source of ozone pollution and sealed it off In my rage destroyed a couple of cameras Now Big Mama is blind in my office and on the lower floor hallways Her own fault Punishment where punishment is due For now I m sitting down here in my basement Writing Drinking wine Hoping that Big Mama comes to her senses 21 6 J uly orso Maybe lost a day sleeping have some light again down here in my basement built a lamp A bottle of oil from the kitchen some shoelace as a wick was really happy to find the oil Big Mama has restricted my access to food Talking about food Big Mama has rationed it Our supplies are running low Big Mama refuses to order anything that isn t delivered in tightly sealed and radiation and presumably bulletproof boxes According to Big Mama our groceries delivery service is working on that Until then food is rationed At least was able to convince Big Mama to use the supplies we have and not burn them She finally gave in to my argument that human beings actually need calories also pointed her to several websites talking about food waste Well our current
27. uality porn However we decided that we wouldn t accept any interference anymore Outside my bedroom door kissed Alice again lifted her up opened the door with my foot Okay at least wanted to do that but the door was locked almost dropped Alice Computer What s wrong now The music had stopped and was replaced by a warning siren What s wrong Intruders Fire You are planning dangerous activities of level That did not sound good Even spoken with the voice of Seven of Nine in a good mood What cannot find any recordings of guest codename Alice having been tested for STDs recently This also includes no recording of her HIV status cannot allow you to continue Ever heard of safe sex Do you want to practice safe sex 14 Yes Not possible But why Safe sex requires the use of condoms We don t have any on stock have some in my wallet Too warm for storage Too much danger of damages At that point Alice went postal She ripped open her handbag and took out a brand new 12 pack of condoms Do you see that Big fucking Mama Brand new Extra strong Covered in spermicides As safe as they come Tested electronically Please show me the EAN code She did Product identity confirmed Please hold up the packaging and show it to me from all sides She did Package undamaged Dearest Big Mama would you please open the bedroom door and let us fuck Or do you
28. ute The last site it accessed belongs to the Canadian forest protection agency providing a detailed description of a fight fire with fire strategy applied to forest fires On a personal note Isn t it amazing what kind of information you can find on the Internet Hans Markert Technical Supervisor Data Rescue Services Ltd Attachment DIARY DOC 25 pages 28
29. want us to do it right here Against the wall didn t expect Alice to be able to be so vulgar Sure you hot bitch Computer Never mind Just let us in And yes we know what safe sex is We don t need the user manual The lock clicked was still thinking about carrying Alice over the doorstep But Alice was faster She opened the door and pushed me in Then she slammed the door and closed the manual lock Quick Before Big Mama changes her mind 15 So there we were In the bedroom And suddenly was almost grateful to Big Mama You sleep on black silk Alice asked Not until today The bed was freshly made and very inviting The air was fresh and smelled of sweet perfume Two candles on the nightstand offered just the right light Artificial candles of course but so what The stereo system was playing the sound of wind chimes There was even a bottle of champagne on ice waiting for us And now found myself rather clueless Well Alice said If this isn t an invitation don t know what is thought never had to fight so hard for sex in my life Did you really think I d quit now Are there any cameras in here No not even motion sensors A tough fight with Big Mama but finally she gave in We are unwatched Well then Come to bed That s what did It was I d be exaggerating if called it indescribable However it was good especially for the first time with
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