Chapter One - Writers Helping Writers
Contents
1. COMIC BOOK CODE 7 still do not have the final secret collectible He furtively glanced at his portfolio The tall pale man followed the glance Sez you He reached into the portfolio and pulled out number 667 of The Last Super bloody edition graphic novel He stared at it Vell Dis is anti climactic I didn t even have to do any puzzles He turned to Jack Should I call a doctor Jack pulled out his phone I ll do that myself thank you very much He dialed with one hand flamboyantly put the other hand on his chest Oh the pain the pain Ww Sorry about dat The tall pale man put the graphic novel into a large pocket in his robe He thought a moment And another And another And another Jack stopped mid dial He glared at the tall pale man So What s with the choke gag hold up The tall pale man tapped his cheek with a finger I need to say a better scary parting line How about My verk here is done Worst parting line ever Um vith great power no da vages of greed are um yustice is served hot or cold or is it room temperature The tall pale man spookily slid away Sheesh vat an grouch Dave Strom THE COMIC BOOK CODE 8 Hmph I thought he d never leave Like a blubbery bowling ball Jack rolled to Teri Silver s artwork He dipped his finger on his chest then onto the artwork and began writing He wrote and wrote a mysterious message meant for the man who would put2. hood s contents a lean pale face where tans dared not venture A blonde ultrafine crewcut revealed a vaguely cubical skull Ice blue eyes did not blink Thin bloodless lips mournfully drooped Why do fanboy think hoods make good masks Jack said Ww I have no idea what The gun s metal tube telescoped onto Jack s belly button whose dent was plainly visible on his unmercifully stretched XXXXL T shirt ZZZAAAPPP OUCHIE He stumbled back into the fifteen foot tall Superfix and sat down hard with a meaty thud The tall pale man stood statue still Ouchie is not Dave Strom THE COMIC BOOK CODE 4 good I know you are lying You have a super someting dat you do not deserve He knows He really knows Jack scrambled to his feet and crossed his arms defiantly over his limited edition 3D Powerful Girl T shirt clinking his gold plated Wonderous Woman bracelets and jostling his Atlas Man hey kids it looks real semi automatic holstered on his hip Do I look like I d carry rare collectibles on my talented self The tall pale man cocked his head Yah sure you betcha His eyes gleamed down from over six feet of height And vunce I deliver dem to da righteous vuns da fanboys vill rise to da heavens And so vill da fangirls Equal opportunity you know Jack snorted The right place for fangirls is the kitchen And in tight skimpy spandex Yah vee know vhat you tink of ladies He jabbed the Spooky Scythe Gun a
3. poked Jack s elephant seal body Poke poke poke Nuts Now I know what a cat feels like when the mouse it s been playing with stops moving
4. the mysterious plan into motion the one who would unlock the final barrier bringing such power such glory such Jack was dialing his phone Actually I finished that message Now I m making the desperate phone calls Oh Okay And he phoned the fanboy messiah and the angry avenger and anyone else who needed mysterious phone calls to set plans into motion and Ah I m done Already Yes And now that the flashback is done THE INTERNATIONAL COMIC BOOK CONVENT AT THE SEASIDE CITY CONVENTION CENTER THE MAIN HALL THE TOONSLEYLAND STUDIOS THE LAST SUPER DISPLAY A SATURDAY 9 02 A M Jack Diearly staggered hands first toward the warm fleshlike silicone contents of the triple D portion of the six foot Super Grail statue etc etc his hands hit both targets and groped Oh yeah oh mama so triple D round so fantastically firm so super fully packed But Jack s strength strength shrank as the stains on Dave Strom THE COMIC BOOK CODE 9 his chest grew Wait I want to grope a little more And he staggered But I still maintain my grip And he fell to his knees Yet I still grope His hands still kneaded Persistent aren t I And as his hands slid off the Overlady statue Hey I wasn t finished And the very last of his life leaked away Choke No fair Gasp He spat one last insult at the fates Wheeze THUD Um Jack Where s your insult Hello The author
5. Dave Strom THE COMIC BOOK CODE 1 CHAPTER 1 DEATH OF A PERV THE INTERNATIONAL COMIC CONVENT AT THE SEASIDE CITY CONVENTION CENTER THE MAIN HALL THE TOONSLEYLAND STUDIOS THE LAST SUPER DISPLAY A SATURDAY 9 02 A M Jack Diearly staggered hands first toward the warm fleshlike silicone contents of the triple D portion of the six foot Overlady statue in the royal blue super suit with golden crown chest logo instead of exposed cleavage It did expose long superheroine legs and a ride up to show some superheroine cheeks cut in the rear It looked sadly up at the waiting to be filled wrist restraints on the fifteen foot high crucifix shaped Superfix machine It would have looked angry if it knew what was coming at it Jack s hands hit both targets and groped even as his blobby belly undulated since it had two bloodstains Dave Strom THE COMIC BOOK CODE 2 spreading on it And as is often the case with the dying Jack had a flashback of his life starting with the last seven minutes THE INTERNATIONAL COMIC CONVENT AT THE SEASIDE CITY CONVENTION CENTER THE MAIN HALL THE TOONSLEYLAND STUDIOS THE LAST SUPER DISPLAY A SATURDAY 8 55 A M Had vile villain Lex Luthor gazed upon Teri Silver s four by six foot heartrending rendering of The Intellectual trying and failing to hold the hand of the dying Overlady he d have bawled like a baby apologized to Superman and spent hundreds of billions to help humanity Jack Diearly w
6. as different As Rand Ann says Self sacrifice sucks He ripped the rendering from the artwork wall near the Superfix and hurled it to the floor A superheroine not drawn by me is both a sham AND a sham He ground his foot upon the Overlady s face A sepulcher Swedish voice cut through the display area and iced into Jack s bloodstream Step avay from dat W artverk The voice echoed off the mockups of the Hellfire Cannon the Superfix the Intellecta Mobile and an artwork wall artverk artverk artverk Ww artverk Hmm big display area Jack defrosted fast his abundant belly containing enough stored blubbery heat to keep Luke Skywalker from freezing on an ice planet Bite me fanboy He aimed his Dave Strom THE COMIC BOOK CODE 3 heel at The Intellectual s cowled sad visage Then a long metal tube telescoped and planted two electrodes on Jack s chest BAH ZAP Guh guh guh gasped Jack eyes bugging out legs trembling but not collapsing The white hooded robe of the Super Spook silently scarily slid toward Jack You stepped And not in a nice vay The metal tube collapsed like a pirate telescope into a scythe the size of a shotgun A long thin pale hand kept the scythe gun bulls eyed it on Jack s chest Dat vas triple gasp but stay standing setting Next setting vill be ouchie Now tell me vere da final super secret collectible is The eerie glow from the Superfix illuminated the
7. is teeth gleamed And I know where your super secret stash is And I know that my gun is NOT a replica He drew it and swung it at the tall pale man And he went cross eyed The two electric prongs of the scythe gun were poking into his nostrils FRAH SNAZZLE Sniff snort by dose by dose His gun hand lost Dave Strom THE COMIC BOOK CODE 6 its aim Care to drop da gun The tall pale man s scythe gun pulled back its prongs Then shot them out again into Jack s mouth Which eloquently expressed displeasure Mmf blug fmmb shnuffle glompfff BZZZZT Jack s tongue did the jitterbug MMFFFFF Sorry let me The prongs hit Jack s right nipple FRAZZZZ OOTCH Then his left nipple SNAZZZ URGH Then his belly button FFZZZT EEP Then his pants zipper Jack stood very very very very still His fearful eyes locked on the tall pale man s eyes Please don t I wanna have babies He held out his gun his hand trembling his fingers loosening The tall pale man fumbled with his gun Sorry I should have read da user manual Dis button should do it undulated his eyes rolled his mouth babbled Ooo ugh limbs twitching strength fleeing bladder emptying He fell And dropped his gun Which fired The tall pale man stepped up to Jack You all right Jack pointed at two spreading stains on his chest Does this look like stun setting Philistine Hah but you Dave Strom THE
8. t Jack and thumbed a button You vould not like pants vetting setting Jack took a calming breath Then he recited the deep dark secret he d held in reserve for years for his most desperate moments My hideout has a hidden hot tub filled with warm strawberry jam where the Overlady will join me once she becomes real and I will lick Not dat secret The tall pale man s mouth pursed as though he had a mouthful of super sour pickled herring Dave Strom THE COMIC BOOK CODE 5 Every true fanboy knows dat And vould like to forget it Jack s grey beard twitched with fear and anger How How can you pathetic fanboys possibly know You might tink about posting less rants on your blog Fangirls tire of your long lists of superheroine s cup sizes The tall pale man put the cutting cold of a Swedish winter wind into his voice Now know dis I have collected all da other super collectibles No gasped Jack Yah said the tall pale man Your comrades possess only fakes It can t be choked Jack his eyes bulging Yah again Only you are left As you are da biggest most determined collector of all and as you still have such artistic talent I offer you vun last chance to join us He aimed his gun Da secret please Jack smiled toothily As Rand Ann says Sharing sucks You should know this I called you here His voice woo imitated Teri Silver s Help me you re my artwork s only hope H
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